A Busy Mom's Ramblings

I've moved

2011-12-08T21:51:00.003-05:00

I've moved and am starting again at http://busymomma66.wordpress.com

Outer Banks Vaca

2011-09-04T18:23:00.000-04:00

My loves...

2011-08-13T09:57:00.001-04:00

Taken with my iPhone.

Sleepy Saturday Morning...

2011-07-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

at least for some. lol

Summer Night

2011-07-12T06:56:00.001-04:00

For me

2011-04-21T07:41:00.000-04:00

Reaching for the sky

2011-03-20T08:13:00.000-04:00

Alone

2011-03-18T06:46:00.002-04:00

Conflicting feelings and confusing thoughts lurk in the corners of my mind. Nothing I can discuss, they are mine alone to confront.

Right where you need to be

2011-03-17T07:13:00.000-04:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-16T06:53:00.002-04:00

Rainy Days

2011-03-15T06:44:00.005-04:00

When I first started dating I was a bit nervous. I was looking for the be all and end all relationship and it was a miserable experience. I'd get jammed up because this might be "it", instead of just enjoying it for what it was, a chance to meet and learn from another individual. I'd get upset because they didn't fit my preconceived idea, and I'd get even more upset and manipulate myself into something I was not to try to make it something it was not. Thankfully, I relaxed and learned to just enjoy the ride. The biggest thing I learned is that it is easier to chase the perfection in your head then to see what's right in front of you. But you end up missing all the great stuff that is right there within your grasp.

St Pat's Parade

2011-03-13T10:04:00.003-04:00

Today our little city held it's annual St. Patrick's Day parade. My daughter walked with her lacrosse team, and tried to shoo me away when I started to take her photo. After all the rain we've had, and I've been feeling a bit blue, so it was nice to spend the time outside.

Limbo

2011-03-12T06:37:00.003-05:00

I am in Limbo. I hate Limbo, the place stuck between where you were and what you are going to be. Where you are unsure of the path, or even if there is a path. I have to relearn to just breathe at these spaces, to focus on where I am and not where it's headed, to have faith that I am exactly where I need to be.

Hitting the beach

2011-03-10T06:18:00.003-05:00

Felt a bit of spring fever, so I hit the beach with my camera.

Making Tracks

2011-03-07T06:33:00.002-05:00

I drive by these tracks every day, so last week I stopped to shoot for a few minutes. a friend saw me and pulled over and asked if I was crazy and what the heck I was doing. lol.

Lensbaby Love

2011-03-01T06:41:00.002-05:00

I went playing with my Lensbaby the other day....

some b&w

2011-02-28T06:41:00.002-05:00

Rainy Winter Day

2011-02-27T07:04:00.006-05:00

Friday on my way home from work, I took a five minute detour, and did some shooting. This is the first time in awhile that I took some time (granted only five minutes) to just shoot outside and felt really inspired. Who knew a rainy winter day could do that?

Random Photos from this week

2011-02-26T08:57:00.003-05:00

Snow Day

2011-02-21T10:52:00.001-05:00

A Little Peace

2011-02-17T06:45:00.003-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-16T06:45:00.002-05:00

Writing on the Wall

2011-02-15T06:44:00.005-05:00

My daughter and I pulled the pages out of the book and put them up in our hallway. I felt a twinge of guilt for desecrating the book, but quickly moved on.

Puppy Love

2011-02-14T06:20:00.003-05:00

Look at the love in her eyes.

Happy Valentine's Day!

BE

2011-02-13T08:18:00.002-05:00

I did a series, "Will you be mine?" for my boyfriend's valentine day card. The be on it's own resonated for me as well. It's a good reminder for me, I easily forget to just be.

Foggy morning

2011-02-10T06:39:00.002-05:00

Take Flight

2011-02-09T09:03:00.001-05:00

His wings are poised, he is ready for flight. But dare he jump and trust the wind?

I love how he closed his eyes and leaned forward slightly right before he took flight.

You are not alone

2011-02-07T07:23:00.002-05:00

Snow Storm January 2011

2011-01-12T16:45:00.002-05:00

I'm baaaccckkkk

2010-11-15T06:16:00.003-05:00

Well, I have a new camera, due to the generosity of my big bro. He bought a new camera and handed down his older one on permanent loan. Woohoo. So here are some of the first shots with the new camera!

A New site

2010-07-05T08:47:00.003-04:00

It looks like my camera has died. It's unfortunate and maybe it can be reanimated at some point. So I have decided to shoot with my camera phone. This means no photoshop--which I think is like going out without makeup on. I think in the end this will help me with my photography as there is no hiding the blemishes. I also set up a new site so I can update using my phone which should make this easier and lead to more updates. When I get a new camera, or get the old one fixed and I find more time I will come back here. But in the meantime...

So you can find me at: http://busymomma66.posterous.com/

Gone, but not forgotten

2010-06-08T07:06:00.004-04:00

I know I've been gone a long time, but I've been thinking of this blog and photography, just no time to do it. These are from my walk yesterday.

Sunny Days & Rainy Days

2010-04-03T08:51:00.000-04:00

Spoon Boy

2010-03-16T07:00:00.002-04:00

My niece was in for spring break so all the cousins got together for game night. Things always get very silly on these nights.

Bella

2010-03-11T06:35:00.002-05:00

She is 12 pounds of funny. For such a small dog, she hogs up most of the bed. She is a moaner, she moans when you pet her or move her or when she stretches in the morning. During the winter she is the cuddliest little creature and she LOVES to sunbathe. During the nice weather she loves to sit on the front porch and watch the neighborhood go by.

February Snowstorm

2010-02-27T08:58:00.001-05:00

What made me smile yesterday...

2010-02-26T07:59:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning it was raining, and my dog HATES water (rain, baths, etc.). I let her outside on her lead (ok, so I pushed her out) and closed the door. A few minutes go by and she is not scratching at the door like she usually does. I open the door and I can't see her. I go outside in the rain and still can't find her. I call her, and thinking she got off her leash and is wandering the neighborhood, promise her treats. I hear this noise underneath the deck and squeezing herself out of the area underneath the stairs is Bella--wagging her tail and wanting her treat. Funny little pupper.
This video.
My daughter's excitement after I put streaks of bright red in her hair. (Yes mom, I did do it.)
Having a wonderful dinner with the kids, just sitting at the table and laughing.
From Dr. Wayne Dyer:

Don't put your attention on what you don't want.
Don't put your attention on what already is.
Don't put your attention on what used to be.
Don't put your attention on what others want for you.
Put your attention on what you want to manifest in your life.

These 5 lines helped me put my life back into perspective. There was drama unfolding in my life these past few weeks and I was walking back into it. Drama can be addictive, but I don't want it. I want better. I deserve better. And so do my kids.

Things that made me smile today...

2010-02-24T20:52:00.001-05:00

Paulo Coelho tweet today: 3rd Coelho's Law: Hide your craziness behind a beautiful smile. And don't worry, that's all you need.

A funny joke that a coworker showed me that showed the end result of women body builders.

Snowstorm

2010-02-11T08:03:00.001-05:00

There were sharper photos of her, but I just love this one with her playing a bit in the snow with her little pink tongue hanging out!

Rainy Days

2010-02-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

0014-0018

2010-01-20T05:45:00.003-05:00

009-013

2010-01-18T18:33:00.002-05:00

I got a bit behind in posting. Sorry about that. Here's an update (and more to come)....

007 & 008

2010-01-08T08:12:00.002-05:00

The sun shone brightly.
The sky was light blue.
The snow crunched under our feet.
We gathered 4 deep around forming a circle.
She hugged her son goodbye.
Tears flowed unimpeded.

006

2010-01-06T09:57:00.001-05:00

Very sad days--today and tomorrow. I have to attend a wake and funeral of a 23 year old who lost his fight with cancer. The world is greatly dimmed.

003, 004, 005

2010-01-05T07:27:00.002-05:00

002

2010-01-02T09:51:00.002-05:00

001

2010-01-01T07:59:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! While 2009 ended with a storm, a cold that would kill a normal person*, a lovely and often hilarious night with friends, being thrown up on ( a friend choked and aspirated on wine during one of the hilarious moments), and trying to contact my son but AT&T "lines" being overloaded, I think 2010 is going to be as ecletic as 2009 and a fabulous year to boot.

There is a movement in the blogging world to pick one word or theme for the year. I think the past few years have had the themes of "keep your head above water" and "prepare" both which helped me get here. My 2010 word is "Begin". Time to really begin my life and not just as a reaction against life and other's choices.

Sometimes it's going to be difficult to Begin something against all my little voices in my head. But I'm working on that--coming up with a few scripts to keep those little gremlins speechless. So the starter gun has gone off and 2010 is a wind sprint to my life.

Things that made me smile today...

2009-12-30T20:13:00.005-05:00

1. Introducing my workmate to Lady Gaga and rockin' out in my cube to Bad Romance. I find the video a bit odd, but I just love dancing to her music. I can't stop my feet from tapping!

2. Found BeauBock on Twitter and couldn't help but laugh at:

I finally figured out what toes are for. They're for finding furniture in the dark and making me curse like a sailor.

Sometimes I program alternate names into my GPS so the Garmin lady will talk dirty to me. "Arriving at spank me baby, on left."

I laughed so hard at these that my workmate (same one I introduced to Lady Gaga) had to come running over to see what I was laughing at. She enjoyed as much as I did.

3. Dinner tonight--which was totally unhealthy, totally delish, and I didn't have to cook.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-23T06:50:00.002-05:00

Snow Day

2009-12-22T06:59:00.002-05:00

It's starting to feel a bit like Christmas

2009-12-17T06:44:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-09T07:57:00.002-05:00

Thoughts in the Woods

2009-11-27T07:50:00.001-05:00

Woods
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

I've been thinking about dating again.

Lots of confusing and contradictory thoughts rise to the surface. I take a step forward and panic. Not sure if I'm scared because I'm not ready or because I'm just a bit neurotic. How can I possibly juggle someone else in the mix of what is called my life? Can I hurt someone in the dating game? I know there are a lot of needy people out there, and I don't want needy. Will I be hurt in the dating game? Or will my self protective wall keep me from really finding someone?

I had my girlfriends over and they set me up on an e-dating site. A bit of wine and lots of laughs meant that I had to change all of my info the next morning. A couple of responses that might get answered. A lot of responses from people who live over 300 miles away or 15+ years older than I. I don't get it.

Feelers out to my kids (who won't know who I'm dating until I am sure this is a safe and long-term relationship) has my son ready to punch out anyone who looks at me and my daughter all excited and totally ok with it all. But I know my kids and I know in the end it will be the total opposite. My son will realize the guy is kinda cool and funny and my daughter will be resentful for somebody else taking me away from her.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T07:44:00.001-05:00

Woods2
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

I am grateful for so many things. I have a house, my kids are healthy and 2 jobs that allow me the flexibility to be there for my kids. The list can go on.

I wish everyone a healthy and happy Thanksgiving!

Woods Walk

2009-11-25T13:52:00.001-05:00

Woods3
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Went on a bit of a walk in the woods the other day. Some photos to follow.

Wishing all in America a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Love Thursday

2009-11-12T05:43:00.001-05:00

flower_frost2
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Some fall love today. The flowers are dying, and the leaves are shedding their lovely leaves.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-11T06:45:00.001-05:00

frostyleaf2
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Mums

2009-11-10T06:12:00.005-05:00

Mums_frost
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

At 5 pm it's dark out. The darkness adding to my feeling of malaise. I feel the weariness of my day hanging on me. 6 million projects swirl in my head, I don't even have the energy to order them into submission. I escape onto the web, but only frustration lives there tonight, no real connections to be had. I shut down, snuggle into my bed and pick up my book.

All the leaves are falling

2009-11-09T06:34:00.001-05:00

leaf_frost
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Bright sunny, crisp, autumn days are my favorite. This season has such passion. As if to say " Well, if I'm gonna go down--I'm doing it with flair." It definitely does not go quietly.
I love the hope that happens. The thought of spring, the knowing that we'll make it through the darkness of winter. The celebration of all that is and was and the possibility of what will be.

Happy Sunday

2009-11-08T07:28:00.001-05:00

WeedsSky
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

A lovely day out. The sun is peeking over the horizon tinging everything with a warm yellow, chasing Jack frost from the leaves.

Frosty

2009-11-07T20:02:00.001-05:00

frostyLeaf
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Jack Frost made his presence known this morning. I'll be posting an image a day this week of the photos I took today. Hope you like!

Life's been busy with the 2 jobs, kids, and trying to squeeze in my own life. But life is good!

ParkBench

2009-11-01T07:15:00.002-05:00

ParkBench
Originally uploaded by busymomma66

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-14T06:25:00.001-04:00

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-07T06:51:00.002-04:00

Taking Time

2009-10-02T07:01:00.003-04:00

With all of the things on my plate, I am trying to take a few minutes each day to do something creative. Something that sings, ok maybe hums, to my soul.

It's what's keeping me sane.

My boy?

2009-10-01T06:53:00.004-04:00

The teenage years are years filled with complexity, confusion, and contradiction for me as well as for him. I can love him fiercely one moment and the next I am ready to throw up my hands in defeat. I don't know how to get through to him, to be heard, to have him know all that I know about how great he is and how great he can be. I am scared that he will repeat his parent's mistakes, and I get angry that he doesn't know better. I want him to grow up and get with it, and I want him to stay young and enjoy it. It's like holding water, no matter how hard I try it still slips away from me.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-30T06:41:00.002-04:00

A good week

2009-09-28T07:02:00.006-04:00

I'm exhausted. But not necessarily in a bad way. It's been a productive week, even though I did not get all that I wanted to accomplish accomplished.

But, I started an exercise plan and stuck to it! Granted Jillian Michaels kicked my ass, I'm closing in on her!!

I got through my two jobs and nobody died (ok, the chances of somebody dying are slim to none).

My house is still standing (which is something of an accomplishment) and I even put a first coat of paint on a wall of my kitchen. Of course--I realized I'm not loving the color.

My kids and dog have been fed, transported and loved.

Invested on somethings that should push me a bit on my creative journey.

So, last week was a good week. Onto a great week this week--more of the same and then some.

Why

2009-09-24T06:35:00.002-04:00

Last night Dear Daughter broke down sobbing. A feeling of darkness, boredom, hopelessness was overwhelming her. We held each other while we rocked and I rubbed her hair. It was all for no reason and this made it worse, why, she cried, why?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-23T06:47:00.001-04:00

A little Tuesday Fun

2009-09-22T06:46:00.008-04:00

When I get my new phone (I'm hoping for an iPhone) I'm using the above song as a ringtone. Also, when I want to annoy my coworker, I IM him the Banana Splits song--one line at a time--it's stuck in his head all day long. He's also cursing me all day long.

I wake my dear daughter to this song most mornings--she just loves it!

Have a banana kind of day!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-17T07:19:00.002-04:00

I'm trying

2009-09-15T06:50:00.002-04:00

It's been an overwhelming month, but I think I have a plan to get all I need to get done for both jobs and still have time to do the things that I enjoy (like blogging), and not go totally insane in the meantime. On my second job I am planning on working on Sundays through Wednesdays and take Saturday off from both jobs. Cross your fingers I stay sane!!

Summer is ending and Fall is coming

2009-09-04T06:27:00.000-04:00

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-02T10:03:00.002-04:00

The last first day of elementary school. :(

Meet Linda

2009-08-25T07:24:00.002-04:00

Linda is the name my children have come up with for our new car. I believe it means pretty, and she is that. She is much different than I had envisioned she would be. I was planning on getting a civic or focus, but then I saw Linda on the lot. What a sweet ride, and my son is in love. He still asks me if he is being punked.

Poor Betty has served us well and has gone into retirement. We loved her and my daughter and I took a special trip back to say goodbye.

A bit swamped

2009-08-20T08:30:00.003-04:00

Life has been full lately. A bit over full lately. I've accepted a part time position that will allow me to be essentially financially independent. This, on top of my full time job, two active children, and a house that screams for attention, is a bit daunting. I know once I get a flow going I'll be ok. It's the few extra things on my plate that are kinda swamping the boat. With now having enough money to support myself and my children I am trying to replace my old jalopy Betty. Yes, we call my old, poor, broken down station wagon Betty.

But replacing Betty is taking a lot of my time and energy and focus. Getting loan approval, figuring out what kind of car I want, trying to find the best place for a deal. I just can't wait until I get the car. Then we will live with it until it's personality calls out to us with it's name.

Morning

2009-08-17T07:25:00.003-04:00

Lot's on my plate lately, just plowing away. Taking a few days off at work to get some more things in order so I can organize my days better, and get back to some of the things I love to do.

Watching

2009-08-14T07:32:00.001-04:00

Happy Love Thursday

2009-08-13T07:19:00.002-04:00

I love the days when there are no real plans. When you get the phone call that everyone is heading to the beach and you can just grab a towel and a bottle of water (and your camera, of course) and go. You get home, when you get home, no clock watching. Dinner is whenever dinner is done cooking.

The beautiful free-flow days of summer.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

Zinnias

2009-08-11T07:25:00.002-04:00

Old friends

2009-08-10T06:47:00.002-04:00

Today I am seeing a friend that I haven't seen in over 20 years. We were college friends that drifted apart until fb brought us back together. He lives on the West Coast now and is in visiting. I can't wait to see him, but I am nervous--while nothing has changed, everything has changed.

Photoshop fun

2009-08-07T07:34:00.003-04:00

Lately with photography I've been using Photoshop as a tweaking tool--slight sharpen, slight lighten, maybe a bit of boost, making it b&w. I think I've been doing this to try to prove to myself that maybe I could be a decent photographer. If my shots don't need to be tweaked, then I must be ok. While I think this is true in a lot of ways, I've MISSED just totally messing around, losing the "purity" of the shot and just having fun creating. Being messy with it. While I thought the above shot in "pure" state was acceptable, it was fun adding layers and changing things seeing where it would lead. Uncovering what it was.

Happy Love Thursday

2009-08-06T06:25:00.005-04:00

She loves to wander through the garden, loves to sit on the bench on the dock, loves to pretend, and dance, and watch boats sail by.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-05T08:50:00.003-04:00

Life is good

2009-08-03T07:22:00.003-04:00

There are times in life that things all just pull together and it is great. Not sayin' there isn't any stress or a lot of hard work ahead of me. Just sayin' that I've walked a path for two years (two of the hardest years of my life) and I've come to a part where I can see the light peeking through the trees, where I can actually see the path (well, not too far but a glimpse--which is fine in my book.)

To date or not to date....

2009-07-31T07:34:00.003-04:00

Now that I'm single, I've been thinking of the whole dating thing. Part of me is ready and interested, part of me is scared and unsure. I figure this is natural.

I have a confession to make, I've been on one of the online dating sites. I haven't posted a profile, but I have done some looking. I'm not ready to take it to the next step, not right now at least.

I planning on taking it organically first. If I meet someone, or meet a friend of a friend, then that's great. But I'm not going to sweat it right now if I don't. I don't want to live my life alone, but I don't think my life is "incomplete" without someone. Right now I don't want anything serious anyway, "Girls just wanna have fun" and all that.

My neighborhood girlfriends are more than ready to live vicariously through me. They are plotting the areas in the neighborhood that they can best spot my dates (if and when they happen.)

But, who knows, within the year I may make a more serious effort on the online dating sites. What do you think--should I wait or jump in now?

Happy Love Thursday

2009-07-30T07:18:00.003-04:00

I remembered it was Love Thursday and realized I didn't have any photos for it. I didn't bring my camera on my walk this morning because I was a bit grumpy and didn't think I'd find anything to represent the theme.

But as I walked I saw the things that I love:
the seagrass dancing in the breeze,
the beachroses spilling over fences,
the house with the rocking chairs on the front porch that my girlfriends and I dream of buying for a mom's only retreat,
the waves crashing on the beach singing of a storm approaching,
the bird singing to me from the top of the tree,
the honeysuckle all closed and tight at the top of the beach stairs,
and all the things I can't remember right now.

Happy Love Thursday!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-29T07:29:00.002-04:00

Pictures and Words

2009-07-27T07:19:00.006-04:00

She doesn't know I'm watching. She sits focused, thinking, dreaming, playing, creating. Words tumble out, some to lay there on the page, others to be taken back turned around, shuffled.

I have a wonderful announcement, one of my pictures is being published in the Shutter Sisters Picture Hope book. http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/777843

Happy Love Thursday

2009-07-23T07:24:00.000-04:00

Worldless Wednesday

2009-07-22T07:29:00.002-04:00

Weekend

2009-07-20T07:20:00.005-04:00

We walked along the beach meandering amongst the crowd checking out each of the entries in the sandcastle competition.

The weather was gorgeous, the water refreshing. It was a bit sad to see all the beautiful artwork washed out to sea.

We ended the day at a local softball game, where my daughter became the second baseman's number one fan.

Summer Walk

2009-07-16T07:29:00.003-04:00

She chatters on and on, swinging the bag this way and that.
Skipping, careening, walking, dancing.
Silly, mad, joyful, sad.
She turns on a dime, physically, mentally, emotionally.
Loving the center.
Visiting the edges.

Just keep on swimming, swimming, swimming...

2009-07-15T07:49:00.002-04:00

I'm still swimming three days a week (well, there were a few days I took off from lack of sleep) and have not run into evil eye woman since that first day. Most days I usually share a lane with an older woman who doesn't swim. She walks and works out with flotation weights at the shallow end of the pool. Of course I can't just swim, I have to chat with her between laps. I find out she's originally from a neighboring state and spent summers in our little city as she grew up. Her father loved our city and eventually moved his family here. One of the strokes I swim (or dog paddle) reminds her of her father. I am glad she doesn't mind she has a chatty lane sharer.

Home

2009-07-13T07:43:00.003-04:00

Woohoo Dear-daughter is home from camp! I had a great week without her (having dinner with friends, going to the casinos with my parents) but I missed her tremendously. She had a great time and came home full of stories.

Dear-Son is away at camp then away for a week vacation with my brother and his family. I know I will miss him, but I have to admit it will be a bit of relief to not worry about him for the next 2 weeks. We've had a rough summer with major boundary pushing and attitude issues. I've informed him that his curfew will be much earlier when he gets back and he can "earn" extra time by showing some responsibility. We'll see how it'll play out.

Tender

2009-07-07T07:09:00.005-04:00

Amongst all the work, and the divorce, and the refinancing, and the paying of bills, and the cleaning of the house, something horrible has happened. My kids decided they were going to grow up. What's with that????????

Dear-daughter, my once and faithful sidekick, who has been glued to my hip since she was born, is at sleep away camp this week. Having fun. Without me.

On the drive up to camp I kept on glancing at her and being blown away at how much older she looked, how mature she seemed, how much attitude she was acquiring. She was chatting away, telling stories, singing songs, being funny and while it was the same as she's always been, it was oh so different. There was a glimmmer of the edge of adolescence about it all. I just want to hug her til she's 7 again.

Dear-son's growing up is at a totally different stage. Remember being pregnant? Remember at the end of the pregnancy when you felt fat and uncomfortable and you would do ANYTHING to get that child out of you, despite your fear of labor. Then you went through agonizing labor for hours and hours to push this child out of you. Well, one word---cakewalk!

This is a whole new birthing experience, and it's a whole lot more uncomfortable than the first one. And it lasts for years! He is growing and pushing and demanding. Instead of my body being pushed all out of proportion and working and being hurt, it's my heart and soul. It's a far scarier process than labor ever was and a whole lot more tiring.

I am scraped raw, shredded to the core by both of them growing up. I feel as if a great part of me is fading from existence, and it is. It's a different stage of motherhood with lots of adventures part of it. But amidst all the other changes that have happened and are continuing to happen, I missed how big this really was. I thought I was ok with this and prepared for this.

But I'm not. I never thought of how much I would miss them. And how I miss them. I find my self longing for the days of pulling them around in the red wagon, of playing in the puddle-pool, of holding them tenderly while they slept. How they are out and about without me, in this great big scary world. Did I say without me? Well, yes again, without me.

I know that this is the process, this is the way it works, and in the past I would just push the grieving aside and push ahead. Later on I would get whomped with all of the emotions at once, overwhelming me and flooding me, washing me away.

Now I'm learning that it's ok to be a bit tender. To take the time to honor these little losses of life. To take them out, look at them, shake them up to see what settles down, to treasure them, to nurse the bruises and be proud of the scars.

It's scary and uncomfortable, but my kids seem to need to drag me down this road where I can't see what's around the corner. I don't know what's coming and I don't know how to protect them, but I think that's the whole point.

July

2009-07-01T16:04:00.004-04:00

This is how June went:

Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred--Well I started doing it, it's a process
Finishing up 2 websites I am working on--Getting there, not done yet
Girls Night out--Did and had a great time
Bookgroup--Postponed to July
Graduation parties--Had a blast, despite some drama
Block Island (hence JM 30 day shred)--Wonderful time!!
Walking Bella in the mornings--Nope
Reducing TV time--Kinda
Starting a map to chart this new chapter in my life--Decided to take it as it comes!
Forming the beginnings of a business plan--Nope
Dreaming a little dream--Always

On the radar for July:

Get ice cream at one of the local places at least once a week
Take the kids somewhere fun for the day
Spend time at our beach once a week just chillin'
Turn off the tv and play some games/cards with the kiddos
Have at least one fire in the firepit--with s'mores
Camp out in the sunroom with my daughter at least one night with flashlights
Start drawing and painting and stop being a perfectionist about it
Start making some books (photo memory books and journals) and cards
Schedule and have bookgroup
Get the freakin' websites done and off the plate

Off the Wagon

2009-07-01T07:24:00.004-04:00

Ok, I'm fessing up. The past week and a half I haven't done my Jillian Michael's tape and have ditched the diet. I don't have any good excuses, so I'm not going to even try to pull one over on you.

The good news is that I found a local pool not far from my house that opens for lap swimming at 6 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays all year long. It was pretty packed this morning, but the woman who works there said that was very unusual. I hope so, we were 2-3 to a lane, and I know one woman who kept giving me dirty looks. I am sure it was because she's jealous of my stellar figure and excellent swimming form and not because I'm the newb who just added to an already very crowded pool.

I'm back on my diet, and am going food shopping tonight to stock up on healthy fruits, veggies and whole grains. I got a new notebook to journal in, and figure I can food jounal in it as well.

As for Jillian Michael's? She and I will still meet up 3 times a week on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays. Plus, as long as the rain holds off I will try to walk with friends at night weather and scheduling permitting.

Look out High School Reunion, I have you in my sights!!